Here’s another reposting of an old entry from my old Monkey Days journal, from a previous incarnation of this site. This was, in fact, the very first Monkey Days journal entry, from way back on June 27, 2002. It’s another one of the most popular entries I’ve ever posted, in terms of how often other have people posted links to it in their own blogs and emails over the years:
I’m going to tell you a secret. This secret is actually just meant for one person. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s you even if you’re not the person I have in mind. That happens sometimes.
The first part of the secret is that we’re not here on Earth to be happy. That’s not what we came here for. We came here to dance, and sometimes the dance hurts, sometimes you get bumped about and very tired and your feet get blistery. Sometimes you don’t get to choose who you dance with, or how you dance with them, and sometimes that hurts. Sometimes the dance calls for them to hurt you, and sometimes the dance calls for you to hurt them, and sometimes when you look back on it later, hurting them feels even worse than being hurt.
You don’t have much say in any of this, because all of us – even you – already choreographed most of it before we were born. Sometimes we remember each other from the rehearsals, but that recognition doesn’t guarantee friendship or even mere love, and even when coupled with the best of intentions it doesn’t guarantee we won’t hurt each other; all it guarantees is that we’re going to do some dancing.
The second part of the secret is that once you really truly understand the first part of the secret, and accept it, and just dance as best you can and thank God for the opportunity, pain and all… well, sometimes it turns out that you get to be happy anyway.
This was one of the entries in my old Monkey Days journal that people linked to a lot, so I’m reposting it here to keep it available. It was originally posted on February 8, 2005:
Many people who end up seeming rather spiritually advanced start out by having especially troubled, painful lives in childhood and adolescence, and sometimes well into their twenties or thirties. Obviously the early difficulties provide learning experiences that contribute to the later wisdom, but, just as obviously, this is not a fully adequate explanation, because most troubled childhoods just produce troubled and damaged adults; the ones who end up wise are rare, and their styles of dealing with the miseries of childhood look different from the very beginning.
My explanation is that the early years of a person’s life recapitulates that person’s past lives in the same way that ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. The more the soul has learned in the past, the more rapid-fire lessons and high-speed psychic turbulence must be crammed into each successive lifetime’s opening Fast Forward.
Welcome, or welcome back, depending on whether or not you’ve been a reader of my previous journaling and blogging and whatnot here at good old Nickykaa Dot Com.
It feels to me like my life has entered a new chapter, and to reflect this, the site has a new title and a new look. Returning readers may recall that this the third time I’ve changed the look and title since the inception of this site. The first incarnation of the site was entitled Hypnogogic Malcontent, the second was Monkey Days, and the third was Further Research. This time around, the title is Collisions with Now, and the look, you may be noticing, is very different indeed.
The look is also a work in progress. I’ll be experimenting with it and adding to it as I find the time and inspiration. Doing it this way is in itself an experiment for me, an intentional departure from a lifelong habit of getting my writing and visual art (including web design and other online multimedia work) fully designed and fairly polished before letting anyone else see it.
So things will keep changing on this site, at whatever pace I get around to it. There are lots of things that aren’t here yet but will appear eventually, like the usual sidebar full of links to other people’s websites.
Also, some of you returning readers may be wondering what happened to all the content from the previous incarnation of the site – all those old blog entries, essays, haiku, pictures, and such. The answer is that much of it will return, bit by bit, as I get around to reposting it in the new format. Some of it won’t reappear because my current professional life requires some discretion as to what I post publicly. Some old blog entries and essays won’t reappear because I encounter too many people who don’t understand the difference between the past and the present, and who insist on trying to have conversations with me or about me in which they treat things I wrote two or four or seven years ago as being in some way representative of my current perspectives, feelings, and experience, my current self, as if I’d said these things thirty seconds ago, even though all my blog entries have dates on them. I’ve little doubt that this will keep happening (even despite the reminder/disclaimer implicit in the site’s title this time around), but shedding some of those old posts will help to reduce it for a while – and besides, it always feels good to shed some old skin.
But a lot of old stuff, like haiku and photos, and brief essays that have proven popular in the past, will gradually reappear here. It will save me the trouble of coming up with new stuff to post (I have no particular commitment to regularly posting new blog entries here – I’m going to be very busy for some time, writing a lot of other things). The Hyperlexicon is back up as of now. And new pieces of art and photography and such, plus occasional updates on my life, will show up here from time to time as well.
Meanwhile, the very short version of what I’m up to: graduated in May with an M.A. in Somatic Psychology. Decided not to jump right into pursuing licensure as a psychotherapist. Instead, decided to stay at California Institute of Integral Studies and jump right into pursuing a Ph.D. in Transformative Studies. Starting that program on August 26th.
And for more frequent, concise, and entertaining updates on my life than you’re likely to get from this blog, friend me on Facebook if you haven’t already.