2 August 2002: The D Word

A good sign that writing in this journal is potentially as valuable to my Work as Morning Pages: I have the same level of resistance to actually sitting down and doing it. In fact, I find myself wishing I were writing Morning Pages right now instead... just as, for the past two weeks, I was frequently distracted from my Morning Pages by the desire to be writing in this journal instead. So it goes.

Certain signs and portents, and the pleasing discovery that certain important lessons have finally become integrated into my psyche, led me to the conclusion about three weeks ago that it was time for me to be open to my next major romantic partnership. I quickly progressed from "being open" to actively searching for the right partner. I sense, somehow, that she is near. The Universe wants me to be in my next relationship. It’s my karma, my Will. I can tell this by the fact that once I made the decision to start looking, it took about a week for me to have so much female attention in my life that it’s almost a crisis and almost a comedy. And the women in question are truly excellent, too. Delightful people. Which is a good thing, since I’m spending all my spare time (plus some time I really shouldn’t be sparing) corresponding with them, talking to them on the phone, and going out on dates with them.

This is, of course, a very temporary phase, because my goal is not to have lots of female attention, my goal is to find the one woman with whom I can have a real, long-term (preferably permanent), monogamous partnership. This dating-many-women thing only lasts until I click with the right one. As I said, some of the women I’m dating are quite wonderful. Time was when I would have jumped headlong into bed and romance with any one of them. But I’m older and wiser now. I know what’s important to me. Mutual attraction and a shared sense of fun is necessary, but not enough. I need someone who can also match my capacity for fierce personal loyalty and absolute commitment. Hard to find these days, in this morally degenerate society, especially in this particular region of the country. I’m learning some tricks, though – such as, look for women who grew up somewhere other than California, and only emigrated here later in life. California girls are, for the most part, not capable of real romantic partnership (i.e., loyal, committed monogamy) (ooh, Lexicat's not going to like that one). Too tainted by this region’s prevailing atmosphere of degeneracy.

Degeneracy. I recall a conversation with Sherpa, in which somehow the question came up of whether I would ever want to father children. I expressed reservations about raising them in the Bay Area, citing the rampant moral degeneracy here. He gave me his warm, I’m-teasing-you-now smile, and said, "I’ve always known you were a moralist by nature, but that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you use The D Word."

Anyway, I’m certainly enjoying dating and getting to know all these fine women. Our interactions have been universally pleasant. It’s a bit sexually frustrating, because no matter how much chemistry there is (and sometimes there’s been a lot), I won’t actually sleep with any woman unless I’ve decided that she is, in fact, The One, and that I’m ready to commit myself to her. Because, you know, I’m not some kind of degenerate.