3 January 2004: Horrible Person

Dear Argus,

As you are well aware, there has been some strain in our friendship of late. Until this past week, I had come to fear that our differences might be irreconcilable. No longer. Certain breakthroughs in my own work recently have led me to a solution. Or at least, a solution that works for me - what you choose to make of it is up to you.

Because my new insights into our conflicts have come as the result of work that I've been chronicling in my online journal, this letter is also being posted as a journal entry, verbatim except for the substitution of my usual kennings (nicknames) for any names I might mention, including your own.

The strain between us, as I see it, can be traced to two primary conflicts of viewpoint between us.

Conflict #1: You love Wolfina and plan to marry her; I don't like her and don't approve of the marriage; you want me to like her and to be supportive of the marriage.

My solution to this conflict is that you win. After much observation, discussion, and consideration, I have decided that I like her after all, and withdraw all my previous bitching about her. My perspective was distorted by my protectiveness of you, which comes from my having nursed you through the horrific depression you suffered as a result of your last experience with someone you thought was the Girl of Your Dreams (you're welcome). I now recognize that the superficial similarities between this time and the last time are very superficial indeed, and that you and Wolfina are, in fact, a perfect match for one another. I enthusiastically support your upcoming marriage. Sorry for all the trouble.

So much for THAT conflict.

Conflict #2: You believe a whole lot of stuff about me which I think is about 10 percent inability to let go of the past and see me as I am now, about 20 percent projection, and about 70 percent pure bullshit, and which you occasionally state as fact in public, sometimes at great length, sometimes in my presence and sometimes not, and which you occasionally attempt to lecture me about at inopportune times. Since one of the things you believe about me is that, as you put it in an email several weeks ago, "you have an intense fear of being condemned - such a strong fear that it inhibits your ability to hear feedback or criticism as anything but condemnation," any attempts on my part to remonstrate with you are useless, since you can just take it as further confirmation of that particular belief.

My solution to this conflict is that you win. I hereby concede (publicly, no less) that everything you've said about me in the past several months is true. My inability to face up to the veracity and fairness of your insights stemmed from plain old vanity, and my recent work has somewhat released me from certain aspects of my vanity (as far as I can tell - if you say that it hasn't, then of course it hasn't). You're completely right about me, and know me far better than I know myself. All the people who have assured me otherwise are plainly delusional, or flatterers, or taken in by my con artistry, or, most likely, simply terrified of being subjected to the barrage of insane hostility that, as everyone knows, my fear leads me to unleash upon anyone who offers up the slightest criticism of me.

So, yes, you were right all along. Sorry for all the trouble.

Unfortunately, I'm such a horrible person that, in addition to all my other faults that you've so accurately pointed out, I'm also so hostile, stubborn, arrogant, selfish, terrified, lazy, and insane that I refuse to ever work on fixing any of the faults that you have so wisely and compassionately brought to my attention. In fact, my recent work has enabled me to be honest enough with myself to recognize that my strategies of selfishness, dishonesty, laziness, paranoia, and psychotic rage work so well for me that I'm not just going to keep them, I'm going to intentionally get worse and worse.

Remember what you said to me, in our last email exchange, about the argument between us in that Bone Council several months ago? You said, "my words to you were reasonable and fair" and "you responded like a loon." Well, you're right of course (and I must also express my gratitude for your compassionate and non-judgemental phrasing there; far kinder than I deserve). But, alas, the behavior of mine to which you were referring, in saying that I "responded like a loon," is a perfect example of the sort of behavior that I plan to be engaging in even more frequently in the future.

So there you have it. You win, you're right, but I'm not going to change - or rather, I'm going to change in exactly the opposite direction from that which you recommend.

I'm happy to remain friends with you if that's what you choose. You can say whatever you like about me, and I'll agree to it. I'll keep on doing just what I want to do, no matter what you have to say about it, but at least you get to be right. I'm never going to argue with you again. I permanently cede the moral high ground to you. Game over. You win.

Love,

Nicky

 

"The easiest thing to be in the world is you. The most difficult thing to be is what other people want you to be. Don't let them put you in that position."

- Leo Buscaglia

 

(Thanks for the quote, Kim. It helped.)