30 April 2004: Art

The new self-portrait on the Monkey Days index page is also the new Magician card for my Tarot-deck-in-progress, and can be seen in a larger version in the Tarot section.

It's been quite some time since I worked on my Tarot project - or, for that matter, since I did any visual art at all. I don't have time these days; I have schoolwork to do, and yoga, and aikido, and much else. But this is one of those unfortunate side effects of the paratheatrical ritual work: sudden attacks of inspiration that will not be put off or denied.

Geminica's written lately about her struggles with following through on art projects, the difficulty of finishing what she starts. I have the opposite problem. I'm wary of starting any sort of visual art project, because for me they're dangerously addictive. Once I start a piece of visual art, I work on it obsessively until it's finished, often forgetting to eat or sleep for entire days. It's bad for my health and interferes with the rhythms of my life - rhythms which I've established because they work well for me.

If I could remove this compulsion to work obsessively on every visual art project I start until it's finished, if I could simply take it off like an article of clothing, and give it to Geminica, I would. She'd be doing me a favor by taking it. I don't have time for this stuff - I've got math homework to do.

The funny thing is, I even enjoy math homework more than I enjoy doing visual art.

This latest art binge has been connected with a peculiar cycle of physical malady that I suspect is also part of the Initiations integration process. The cycle goes like this: first, just as I'm noticing that I'm reaching a new peak of movement ability, I develop a painful misalignment somewhere in my spine. I go to my very talented chiropractor, and she fixes my spine. This process not only fixes the problem, but also releases whatever bits of old character armor happen to be ready to be released - leaving me feeling great, and more flexible than ever. Then, within 24 hours, I come down with a severe cold.

This is my third time through the cycle. The first happened in the week leading up to the final Orphans of Delirium performance. The second was about two weeks later. I'm hoping that this one is the last. Certain breatkthroughs I made in aikido on Wednesday, and in my relationship with Dragon Lady this week, plus the release of this latest bit of artistic expression, lead me to believe that it might be. Plus, it seems like a very Saturn-related phenomenon, so it would make sense for it to happen in a cycle of three.

I got my spine adjusted on Monday, went dancing Tuesday night, came home sick but too wired and inspired to go to bed. Lila's been asking her artistically-inclined readers to contribute erotic illustrations to her Guttergaunt website, so I decided to answer the call and do a portrait of her. I ended up staying up until five in the morning working on it, which didn't improve my health. On Wednesday, I put a few finishing touches on it and sent it to Lila. She loved it so much that she decided to redesign her home page around it (she says she'll have it up tonight or tomorrow).

But for some reason, I didn't feel done. My need to work obsessively on a piece of visual art hadn't gone away. I concluded that I must be jealous of Lila - she had a cool new portrait for her site, and I didn't. If I made one for myself, then I'd feel better.

No, of course I don’t really think like that. I was well aware that what was going on was that I needed to make some art that was relevant to my recent paratheatrical work, as part of the integration process. So I decided to do a self-portrait of me in lab mode – dimly lit, dressed as I dress for lab work and yoga, and in one of the poses that’s characteristic of my body language in ritual/playing/teaching situations.

I worked on it all yesterday night, and well into this morning. Dragon Lady saved me from further starvation damage by coming down with the cold herself (about half the people in this town seem to have it this week), thereby prompting me to go out and pick up food for both of us. I won’t interrupt a project to take care of myself, but I’ll interrupt a project to take care of her.

I went to bed at about three in the morning, frustrated because I’d been unable to figure out how to work the new picture into this site. I’d planned to emulate Lila by putting it on my home page, but then I just couldn’t bring myself to take down poor old Fong, and the page wasn’t big enough for the two of us.

It wasn’t until I was in bed, drifting off to sleep, that I realized that what I had been working on was my Magician card.

Of course. Do a ritual lab, cross the Abyss, do a ritual theatre piece playing a character called the Magus... of course it had to be the Magician card!

Duh.

So I woke up this morning and got right to work creating the background (like the color, Foxfire?) and putting together the card.

Now I feel done. And hungry, and stiff and groggy from sitting at my computer all day. But my cold seems to be almost gone, and my need to make pictures is appeased – for a long time to come, I hope.

Inspiration can be terribly inconvenient. Artist’s block is grossly underrated as a survival trait.

Now to eat, stretch, and get some homework done.

“Surrounded by circumstances utterly beyond their control, children automatically take up magic.”

– Daniel Quinn, Providence