On Finding Sane Lovers

I used to get disgusted with women frequently, because they were crazy, and because trying to create relationships with them was annoying and generally not worth the misery. Then I realized that the only reason that women annoyed me more than men did was that I wasn't trying to create romantic relationships with men. If I were gay, I'd be annoyed with men instead. Men are just as crazy as women, and treat their romantic partners (male or female) just as horribly.

Men who bitch about women all the time, and women who bitch about men all the time, are taking an overly narrow view, distorted and biased by their personal traumas and frustrations. The problem isn't women, or men, or heterosexuals - the problem is people. When you get to know them on an intimate, romantic level, just about everyone is crazy, sick, damaged, a petty tyrant, and impossible to please.

There are exceptions. The exceptions didn't start out as exceptions. They started out as men or women who were fucked up and crazy. Then they recognized that they were fucked up and crazy, and they worked hard to get better.

Finding one of these exceptions is difficult, but it's possible. But it's only possible if you're an exception yourself. The few people who have done the work to transform themselves into good partners are just as tired as you are of dealing with bad ones. If you're a bad one, the good ones will avoid you. So the first step to landing a good one is to be a good one.

A good first step to being a good one: recognize that it's not just women who are crazy (or not just men, if that's your bias), it's part of the human condition.

A good second step: since damn near everyone is crazy, and you're probably just as crazy as the rest of them, choose to forgive everyone.
Work as hard as possible to make this forgiveness sincere. Remind yourself of your choice to forgive, every time you realize you've forgotten it (I forget about fifty times a day).

A good third step: look at everything that you find objectionable in others, and diligently weed it out of your own behavior.